I recently saw a new film called ‘Look At Us Now, Mother’. It is a documentary film made by an award-winning director about her relationship with her critical, narcissistic mother, and how the daughter comes to a place of forgiveness with her mother. In fact, the relationship is now so good that the pair are on tour together with the film, doing Q & A sessions after screenings.
This got me thinking about the role of forgiveness. A lot is spoken about forgiveness being important to letting go of painful situations and relationships, and that holding on to resentment and anger ties one to the perpetrator or scenario. There are many who claim that holding on to grudges and resentment can restrict energy for other, more fulfilling things in life, and can even create illness. Got it.
However, sometimes it seems to me that people may want to jump to forgiveness in order to maintain the status quo and keep difficult feelings shut down. They may be frightened of the consequences of being angry or engaging with their feelings of hurt. They may be concerned that key relationships may break down irrevocably.
Therapy can offer a space to give voice to anger and hurt, recognising that these emotions may be necessary to restore a healthy sense of self and separate from those who have imposed violent or abusive behaviours. A counsellor can bear witness to difficult and painful experience that socially people may shy away from, and may never be acknowledged by those who inflicted the pain. Keeping quiet and pretending that all is well can be a collusion that keeps the victim stuck in old patterns, rather than creating space for new ones.
Once the emotional fire has been allowed to flare up, and plenty of space given to emerging feelings, THEN there may be a place for forgiveness… or it may never come.